Interview with Kimi

Hello, Kimi.

Hi, thank you for having me. k3

Kimi, your first adventure began in the book `Kimi’s Secret` written by a guy called John Hudspith, he was pretty clever, writing about your adventures (must give him some credit I suppose, although I know you did all the heroics!). It must make you feel quite special!

Ha! Me, special? Don’t think so. But I do feel lucky, very lucky to be the chosen one. Not many thirteen year-olds get to do such cool stuff like getting every bone in their body broken or sucking dodo brains through a curly straw.

Have you recovered from your amazing adventures, and are you ready to answer all sorts of questions for your fans?

Yep, I’m good. The boss puts me in stasis whenever I’m not in his head so it’s great to get the chance to come out and chat.

Will you ever go back to Mousehole and have a ‘normal’ life? Would you want to?

I love Mousehole, so peaceful, and the people are lovely, well, apart from Old Grot.

Who’s Old Grot?

She looks like a witch and drives a bus through the village ten times a day, and, you know the streets are really narrow, right? Well, she blocks cars in and just stares at the drivers. She’s like, so rude. Now that I have my mojo I’d like to go back there and shoot a few stunners up her –

Errr, okay, Kimi…

–   exhaust pipe, I was going to say exhaust pipe.

Right. So, would you ever go back there and live a normal life?

Maybe when I’m old and grey – if the boss lets me live that long. I’ve seen some pretty scary thoughts in his head.

Scary? How do you mean?

Last time I checked he had devised forty-two ways of killing me off.

You’re joking me?

No, I’m not, and some are really gross.

Like what?

Erm, like one time, he has this scene, right, where I’m involved a mid-space twirly collision with a farmer who’s transferring his genetically engineered pigs from Heart to Earth and I end up as this deformed monster who runs amok eating everything in its path – including dog droppings – and I grow to the size of a house before being blown to pieces by a tank.

You made that up!

Did not. Another scene he’s got roughed out has the atoms in Little Hand going all, erm…funny, erm, what’s the word…


That’s it. And the mutating spreads and I end up looking like a wrinkled prune and the only thing that will keep me alive is to float in space so he hangs me from a star, like forever.

From a star? Aww, that’s quite romantic.

Romantic? You’re funny.

How did you get your deformed hand? Birth defect? Or is it because of your mojo?

Oh, I do know the name but can’t remember it. It’s something to do with being trapped in my mum’s womb and that left the grooves in my hand and stopped it from growing.

I think it’s clever how the grooves add focus when targeting your mojo.

Yeah, the boss does come up with some cool stuff for me.

What are your favourite cool things?

Roasted dodo, that is delicious. Erm, flying in UFOs, and riding with my inner crow for games with the magic man, and twirlies, I really like twirling, and shooting stunners, and doing the separation.

What do twirlies feel like? Don’t you get dizzy?

I’m meant to, but you know, having one’s atoms disassembled and reassembled is really quite a buzz, though the boss had me acting all discombobulated to begin with.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how scary are the greylians?

One hundred million thousand. They creep me out. It’s that weird cupcake smile. I always think they’re up to something – even Granp the good greylian, Stella’s friend.

How does Stella like living in the ‘real world’? Do you think she could settle there?

Erm, I don’t know. Never really asked her. You should get Stella in for an interview – she’s hilarious off-page.

Do you ever feel like running away and hiding when the going gets tough?

Every time the boss opens Word. He drinks tea, black, with two teabags left in the mug, drinks it all day long, and by the time he reaches his fifth mug I’m usually suffering.


He has this image, like a poster, pinned on the wall of his mind, it shows me stuck up a tree and he’s throwing rocks at me. Says it’s good for my character.

I suppose you can’t really hide then.

Well, there is one place in the bottom of his mind that he hasn’t discovered yet. It’s blacker than black in there and I’ve got my eye on it just in case. Don’t tell him will you?

I won’t. You have a lot of friends who are so brave, funny and kind. But if you HAD to choose ONE to spend the rest of your life with who’d it be? ( I think I know.)

Oh, erm, it’s really hot in here. Next question before I die, please.

If you were to die, would Bentley cease to exist? How old is he, really? Does his intelligence alter whatever age he becomes?

Yes it does. Which is fun to play with. I don’t know how old he really is, but I love that I can command his age to suit my needs. Every girl should have a Bentley.

And would he cease to exist if you were to die?

No, apparently, once a tulpa loses its human carrier it retires to Mercurial Waters, which is like a ghostly swamp place on Heart. And sometimes they go on vacation to Earth space and have fun.

Like ghosts returning to old haunts?

Ha! Exactly that, yes.

What about those greylians…did you ever find out how greylians use the loo?

Urgh, yes. Stella told me but I can’t repeat it here. Your readers would puke. Apparently, you remember Balancer Stubbs? She’s supposed to be, like, security or something right, but one day, on a spying mission, she had to stake out the toilets and a greylian came in for, erm, a number two (can I say that here?)…

You just did.

…Well, you know that tube that comes out of their mouths to suck up their food, well, urgghhhh, I’m sorry, makes me gag just thinking about it, but Stubbs was off sick for a month and needed counselling.

You’re funny, Kimi.

I’m serious. Greylians are gross.

What was life like for Balancer Stubbs before becoming a balancer?

I’m not really sure. Though I did overhear her talking to Ruthie one day. She was telling her about her mother who is a detective for the government and how she once met the Prime Minister.

And you met the Queen herself in `Kimi’s Fear`. How was that for you?

I was shaking a lot. But it was cool that she wore pink just for me. I do like Her Maj.

You mentioned Ruthie. For those that don’t know, Ruthie is a monkey and married to the chief of fuzz, Rehd, and for me they make a great pair. Who is your favourite monkey?

I love Ruthie. She’s so cute the way she gets me to paint her nails and she loves dressing up. All the monkeys are cool, although whenever Big Sue is doing a scene with a monkey he insists they use breath freshener, which is a bit rude really.

Big Sue is a man, isn’t he, a very strange man.

Yeah he’s obsessed with cleaning. He’s nice though.

Do you have any life ambitions? Doctor? Teacher? Taxidermist?

I’d like to go on proper missions. Two books in and I’m yet to have one. Don’t you think that’s a bit odd?

Wouldn’t you say your adventures were the best missions to have?

They’re still not, like, real missions.

In `Kimi’s Secret` you got to go back in time and save the day, then in `Kimi’s Fear` you got to spend some quality time with Perry, again saving the day. Sounds like real missions to me.

I didn’t like the Fear one much, to be honest. Perry was awful at times.

I knew there was something up with Perry! But how do you feel about him now? Still fancy him?

I like Perry, but I don’t fancy him.

What do you like about him?

He’s got a complexion to die for, amazing white teeth and a brilliant smile and his hair is all funky and gorgeous and like, when he’s collecting pots in the Rabbit’s Foot he’s so clever the way he balances so many without ever dropping a single one…and he cooks a mean dodo curry, and there was one time, in band camp –

You fancy him.

I like Mr Purse, too, but he was modelled on Stephen Fry. Have you seen that nose?

*laughs* – Let’s get this right: for every five minutes in Earth space, it’s five hours in Heart space. That means you’re older in Heart, than in Mousehole, what with the twirling back and forwards?

Kind of. Bentley says it `buggers with your being` – let me get this right… it’s, erm, the time diff can age you but the atom reassembling goes towards regeneration so the one `almost` cancels out the other.

I’m not sure I understand.

Well, to quote Stella: `it’s two steps back and one-point-nine steps forward`.

I think everyone would like a mentor like Stella. She really did you proud, eh? She certainly surprised me. Did your parents know her (and your other Heart friends, come to think of it) and was she/they specially selected to help you conquer your missions?

Yeah, Stella was always lined up to be my mentor. The boss says she’s there to prevent obvious info dumps and to lubricate the plot points but I just think she’s super cool. And I love that she calls me sister.

If you could choose one scene out of all the scenes that you have starred in to be your absolute favourite scene – what would it be?

Erm, that’s hard because every scene is an amazing scene.

Did your boss tell you to say that?

You got me. Five quid and the pizza of my choice.

Dodo toppings?

No, actually, my favourite pizza is banana and salami with garlic and Dolly Mixtures.

I’ll have to try that. So go on, tell me your favourite scene.

I think it was going back in time to when I was six years-old and it was Christmas morning and there I am standing over my younger sleeping self and I give her a prod to wake her up and – she can’t see me of course – she stares right through me and grins and oh my I was so cute.

I remember that – it was a lovely scene.

Yeah, and the weird thing is I have this memory of being six and waking suddenly and thinking Santa was downstairs and all the time it was the older me waking me up. That was pretty cool.

Is there going to be a third Kimi book?

I hope so but to be honest I’m kept in the dark.

You must have some idea of what your boss is thinking.

Well, don’t say anything but I have been snooping in his ideas box and I have seen a few hints.


Erm, well, there’s Fifty Shades of Mojo I’ve seen, and erm, what was the other one…something about happy vampires: Big Sue’s Diaries.

Happy vampires?

No – `gay` – yes that was it, Gay Vampires. But I don’t get where I would fit in.

If you could create your third adventure yourself, what would you do?

Erm, let me see, something warm and cosy, probably set on Barbados with glorious sunsets and good food and hot sand and…and…and…


Oh, sorry, daydreamer me. Ha!

Would your co-star be Perry by any chance?

Can I go now?

Thanks, Kimi – you are a star!

Thank you.

( Interviewed by Louise Wise: )


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